Utah’s First Lady on Kindness and Belonging

Written by: Abby Cox, First Lady of Utah

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” – Brené Brown

I recently had the honor of addressing the extraordinary students at Monticello Academy, and the energy there was nothing short of magical. In just a month, the students performed an astounding 41,000 acts of kindness! Schools are one of my favorite places to be because I draw so much inspiration from the students and teachers. In all our school visits, I’ve never encountered a school that has accomplished the incredible feat of 41,000 acts of kindness before.

Farm Clothes and Kindness

Now, let me share a bit about my own journey. During my school days in a small town, I experienced the ups and downs typical of that environment. Like many, I faced moments when kids could be unkind. There were times when I found myself on the receiving end of such behavior, and it never feels good to be the person someone is treating unkindly.

Growing up on a farm, my daily routine revolved around tending to horses, cows, and chickens. Anyone familiar with farm life knows that when you’re in the midst of farm work, fashion takes a backseat. On the farm, there’s a practicality to dressing. You don’t reach for your nice school clothes; instead, you opt for well-worn farm outfits. It’s a deliberate choice, a way to shield your nice clothes from the inevitable wear and tear that comes with the hands-on tasks of farm life.

Unexpectedly, a friend arrived at my house one day along with her older sisters, who were planning to attend a class with my mom. I came in in my farm clothes, and I hesitated when she invited me to play at her house during the class. The embarrassment about my appearance held me back. But in that moment, my friend did something remarkable—she complimented my shirt. Do you think I was worried about my clothes after that? No, because she didn’t care what I was wearing. She was my friend. That was an act of kindness. She made me feel special. She made me feel like I belonged, and I was loved.

I love what the students of Monticello are doing because they’re making sure that every student feels like they belong. That’s what kindness does. Every person, every human on the planet, wants to feel like they are loved and that they belong. This is the essence of kindness—it has the incredible power to create an environment where everyone, regardless of their background, feels valued and included.

Fitting In vs. Belonging

Now, there’s a difference between fitting and belonging. Fitting in means you have to change yourself to be accepted. Belonging means you feel loved just the way you are. And that you are valued because of who you are. Every one of you is important. Every one of you has a story and experiences that you’ve been through that are uniquely yours. Everybody has something to give and to offer, and when you offer kindness, when you offer belonging, that is a power that changes the world.

Author and researcher Brené Brown said:

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

A State of Kindness

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to Monticello Academy for the remarkable work they’re doing and the positive impact they’re continuing to spread. Their dedication to kindness and belonging is truly commendable, and I want them to know how proud we are of their efforts.

We in the state of Utah want to be the kindest, most loving community. We want to be the best state in the nation for kindness. Thank you for being the driving force behind positive change, and for embodying the spirit of kindness that has the power to transform communities and shape a better world for us all.

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